Sure enough, she wouldn’t talk to me.

OK, I thought, now what? I saw Amy eyeing a set of colored markers

I have on the floor in my home-office and I asked her if she liked to draw. She nodded. Rather than get into a tug-of-war over her not talking (of course, she would win), I said, “We don’t have to talk. You can draw if you’d like.” She started drawing and got very absorbed in an intricate picture of a group of lizards. When she was done I asked her if she would tell me something about it. All she said was, “It’s a family.”

In the second session she started drawing again, almost immediately. Again, lizards. The identical family as last time. They were in varying sizes and from the expressions on their faces (anger, fear, blankness) was obviously some story behind the picture. I asked Amy if she would tell me the story and she said, “In this family there is a father, a mother, a brother and a sister.”

Of course this corresponded directly to her own family configuration, and the story, as it wound out over several sessions, came clearer: the parent lizards didn’t think the little daughter lizard was as smart as the older brother lizard One day, as Amy was drawing I casually asked her, “So what’s the problem with math?” She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t understand it.” I asked her if she told anyone that and she shook her head, “No.”

Immediately a light shone for me on her whole situation: here was a child who didn’t understand the teacher but was afraid to say so for fear of that she’d be seen as not being smart. I asked her if this were so. Again, she nodded.

With Amy’s knowledge I spoke with her parents and teacher. I explained to them that it had to be safe for Amy to say, “I don’t understand this,” and that they needed to check in with her about it during or after class and when she was doing homework. I also trained Amy to say these simple words right away, “I don’t understand this.” When she saw it was safe to say it, she did.

Our work together ended several weeks before the math qualifying test and the interview. Her mother called one day and said, “Amy passed the math test and couldn’t’ stop talking at the interview.” She was accepted into the school.

What can we take away from Amy’s story? First, it’s all right not to know, and second it’s necessary to speak up, to confide it to someone who will be accepting. There’s an ancient expression, “He who thinks he knows not, knows; he who thinks he knows, knows not.” While this has deep spiritual implication, the bottom line is that not knowing is a natural, expected and an excellent place to start, provided you have a safe environment to express it.

When you are studying or preparing for a test and you don’t know something, recognize that. Rather than beat yourself up about it, say it—to yourself, and to someone who can help you. This is the first step on a path to building your confidence: it’s OK to not know.

Christmas and Hanukah celebrate light:  Jesus, the light of the world, and the Hanukah, the eternal light in the holy temple.

What does this light mean to us?  It is the light of our spirit, the sustaining force that gives us each the illumination and power to clear the darkness within, to light up the path and kindle the energy (fire) to power us through.

When we are anxious, fearful and tense our world is dark.  We crouch down in a corner, afraid. This often happens before or during a test:  we constantly think,  “How will I get through this? I’ll never make it.” In such moments we can’t see our own light.

But remember the expression, “the light at the end of the tunnel”?   Light is always here.  Put your focus on that. Remember also that you have come through difficult, dark, challenging times before.  That strength, courage and determination you had before have not left you. They are shining bright within you.

Close your eyes and see the light inside of you. See it spreading and creating a circle that encompasses you and any test you are facing.  See yourself, in the light, facing the test with strength and resolve.

Now, open your eyes, and see it with open eyes. Take action.

Richard Wyne and Nora

At the Apple store in Seattle I got into an interesting conversation with Richard Wyne, from Whistler, B.C., Canada. Richard is the head of a company called Polar Solutions, which is in the business of disaster management and emergency preparedness.  They save people’s lives. Talk about stress and performance!. Locating and saving a person trapped in a building, or under an avalanche of snow requires the epitome of being calm, confident and focused.  I met Richard with his trusted partner, Nora, a Senior Avalanche Rescue Dog (German Shepard, Border Collie X). I would love to see them in action.  If your job requires you to keep stress at an optimal level let us know what it is.  I’d love to see Richard and Nora in action (check out their website), and the necessity for them to remain calm,confident and focused. Richard was interested in The Workbook for Test Success, and I look forward to sharing ideas an experiences with him, and with you. Tell us about your stress-related work.

There was a time when I was afraid to ask a taxi driver to turn the radio down or off (“It’s their cab!”). But I got over that: why be afraid to ask?  So I did, and I do, and for the most part taxi drivers comply, though a few give me the “I’d rather not” vibe.

This driver turned the radio off. The cab was quiet. I settled back in the seat and let go of the day’s cares.

The morale: do what you can to achieve the quiet you need.

And if the driver had said “No!”?   Well, there’s always another taxi. I look at it as a learning moment. A moment to build confidence. A moment to turn away from the mental chatter that disconnects me from my spirit.

Need help? Confide in someone.

Recently a student came to see me. She said that she was having great difficulty with the one of the subjects in her medical school program. “I feel like everyone else is getting what’s going on and I’m not.” She was embarrassed to tell anyone she was having difficulty and so pretended that she understood what was going on when, in fact, she did not. This

just increased her unease and sense of isolation.

I told her that she made a good and important move by opening up to me about it, and I coached her to tell this to one of her classmates. She wasn’t thrilled with this coaching suggestion but  agreed to it any way.

At our follow-up session she said that when she was in lab she did, as agreed, talk with someone working near her. She said “I don’t get this stuff sometimes,” and, much to her surprise, her fellow student responded by saying, “You know, I feel the same way.” This got them talking, and then planning to get together to study.  The student I was coaching was much relieved.

The first tool in dealing with confidence issues is confide.  You have to admit– to yourself and to someone else– that you are having difficulty. You have to admit the negativity (“I’m not getting this,” “I feel dumb,” etc.). If you don’t acknowledge it you stay disconnected.  Remember: stress is a function of disconnection. When we are disconnected from self and others we get stressed and too much stress hurts performance.

If you are feeling “less-than” you need to reach out. In your isolation you think you are the only one who’s having difficulty. You will be amazed to find that many (many) other people are thinking the exact same thing. They think that you get it while they don’t.

Open the door and let out the negativity. Then something fresh, new and helpful can come in.

Let me know how it goes.

“I was in my office and an 11th grader came in all distraught worked up.  This is one tough kid– she’s had many troubles in her life, and has gotten into a lot of trouble too. She’s usually closed down and angry.  On the day she came into my office she was very upset — she’d had had a bad fight with a close friend who rejected her. She was angry and ready to strike out. I didn’t know what to do with her. She couldn’t sit still.  When I glimpsed The Workbook for Test Success …

on my desk. I said to the girl, “We’re just going to open this book to any page and start reading.” I had no idea where this was headed or how she’d respond, but it was so out-of-the-box that she went along with it.”

“I happened to open to the chapter on Confidence and I started reading. The girl was listening.  I read all about the negative things we tell ourselves, and how that makes us feel badly, and how we can get out of that terrible state by using three tools. She was listening to every word. When we got to the exercises she wanted to do them. I was amazed. We ended up talking for almost an hour.  The Workbook provided an extremely helpful way of getting the girl to look at herself, to think about her situation, and – most importantly—provide her with a positive, productive way of dealing with her self-esteem and the tests she faces in her life.”

The story makes a point:  the model of the three-legged stool is dynamic. That means that all the legs are important and no matter which one you work on—whether it’s your mind (as it was in this case), your body or your spirit, it’s going to have a positive and strengthening effect on the whole.

Try the “open-the-book-to-any-page” method and let me know what you find out about yourself.

The President and perseverance

President Obama delivered the commencement address at Kalamazoo Central High School on June 7.  His speech roused the graduates to consider the future they are holding in their hands.  Here’s what the President said:

Now, graduates, all these folks around you, I have to say, though, with the cameras and the beaming smiles — they’ve worked hard to give you everything you need to pursue your dreams and fulfill your God-given talent.  Unfortunately, you can’t take them with you when you leave here.  (Laughter.)  No one is going to go

follow you around making sure that you’re getting to class on time, making sure you’re doing your work.  Nobody is going to be doing that for you.  Going forward, that’s all on you — responsibility for your success is squarely on your shoulders.

What does “responsibility for your success” really mean?  To me it means having a goal and taking actions that get you to your goal. It means being focused. Most often, up through high school, we are carrying out what someone tells us to do. But as we leave high school the terrain shifts. We have to take charge of our own goals: to be able to define them and to work towards them. This can be challenging or downright difficult if we are used to doing something only “because we have to.”   The shift is to do something because you want to. It means having a dream– your dream– and working towards it.  It means being able to recognize when you are becoming distracted and how to get yourself back on track. Successful people are focused: they are clear on their goals, and they stay connected through consistent action until they reach their goal.  Success means “happy outcome,” and that is what happens when you reach your goal through your own hard work.

The President went on to say, “…meaningful achievement, lasting success — it doesn’t happen in an instant.  It’s not about luck, it’s not about a sudden stroke of genius.  It’s not usually about talent.  It’s usually about daily effort, the large choices and the small choices that you make that add up over time.  It’s about the skills you build, and the knowledge you accumulate, and the energy you invest in every task, no matter how trivial or menial it may seem at the time.”

Look at your goals and ask yourself:  “Are these my goals or someone else’s?”  If they’re not yours you will lose motivation sooner or later. Once you are clear that you own your goals then ask yourself, “Am I doing the things I need to so I can reach my goal, or am I doing things that take me away [distraction]?  Be honest with yourself.   We have the example of a President who reached his goal through determined, focused action.  He did it.  You can.

The teacher, Steve Shramko, works at the Eastside Adult Education Program in San Jose, and has, over the years, recognized the need for material– “a curriculum” — that addresses the test taker, not just the test content.  “This is exactly what we need,”  Steve said, referring to the book.

Steve and I had an animated conversation, especially about how testing is disembodying and disempowering. “Students, especially ones who under-perform,” Steve said, “go into tests believing they are going to fail. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.  We need to turn that around.”  He immediately saw the relevance of engaging the spirit (focus) as well as the body (calm) and mind (confidence).

It is highly encouraging when an experienced educator sees the book as “the missing link.”  Thank you Steve Shramko! I see the workbook in the hands of students who can use the help through educators like Steve.

What do you do when this negativity surfaces? You may try to ignore it or hide it. You don’t want others to know you feel “less than”– after all, everyone else seems to be doing so well. So you’re humiliated, thinking there’s something wrong with you. Stop. Let’s start right here. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re having a confidence crisis. No more. No less.

“Confidence” is made up of two root words: “con” which means “with” and “fidence” which comes from the Latin that means faith, loyalty, fidelity, belief in, trust. When we lack confidence we don’t believe in ourselves.

The first tool for dealing with this is to confide the negativity. Tell a friend, a parent, a teacher, a counselor. If no one is readily available, confide in your higher self. Why is this necessary? Because if you keep all the negativity stuffed inside of you it just builds up and makes you feel worse.  You need to release it, let it out. Only then can you make space for something else — something positive –  to come in. In other words, don’t expect the negativity will just go away on its own. Let it out, let it go. Next, your confidant will reflect back to you something accurate and positive about you –something they know to be true (“You have handled difficult situations before,” “You can figure this out,” etc.).  The reflection from the positive mirror is essential because up till now you are glued to the negative side. You need to get out of the grips of the negativity and receive a different message.  Once you’ve done that you are ready for the third tool –   envision taking small manageable steps, successfully, to correct the original negativity. Close your eyes for a moment and imagine each small step that you can take and see yourself taking them.

Say you’re facing a chemistry final next week. You think “No way, I can’t handle this.” That negativity can quickly mushroom and engulf you. As soon as you recognize you are going in that direction, use the tools (1) Confide: tell someone you trust, someone who believes in you, someone who has confidence in you, that you are having this negativity.  (2) Reflect: they will give you an accurate, positive message back (“You have taken on hard subjects and done well; you can do that with chemistry.”  Listen to this message, take it in. (Remember to breathe!).  (3) Envision the small manageable steps you need to take to get back on track. See yourself breathing, grounding, organizing your materials, reading through the first section of the first chapter. Whatever the small steps are for you. Once you recognize that any task can be broken down into small manageable steps, and you can see yourself taking each one successfully, you are moving in a positive direction. Confidence is regained in a steady and methodical manner.

Is there a challenge facing you right now that you don’t think you are up to? Let me know what it is. The tools are available for everyone, all the time.

When I speak around the country I’m often asked to give some “quick tips.”  I’ve come to equate this term with “magic bullet”– in other words, “tell me something I can do right now to take away my anxiety,” “give me a pill, doc.”

There are two problems with that way of thinking: the first is that if you do something it’s just for “right now” and the second is the notion that something or someone can “take away” your anxiety.

i believe it’s better if you understand that your test anxiety is a habit– I want to say “just a habit”, but don’t want you think I’m minimizing it with “just”– but that’s what it is, a habit. In other words, you’ve built up a certain reaction to tests and that reaction is anxiety.  Every time you hear the word “test” or think about a “test” or take a “test”…. here comes the anxiety. Your body, mind and spirit are all conditioned, or habituated, to behave in a certain way around tests. So, along with “test” comes all this stuff of anxiety: rapid heart beat, self-doubt, distraction.

One of the great things about habits is that they are learned, and– here’s the really good news– one habit can be replaced by anotherl. (I don’t like to use “good” and “bad” with habits– I think some habits are helpful and some aren’t). In general anxiety is not a helpful habit — some blood pumping and energy boosting before and during tests is good and even helpful– but when it goes into the anxiety zone it’s not helpful.

If you want to reduce your test anxiety you need to put new habits in place– habits that help you calm down, feel more confident, and stay focused. That’s what the workbook is all about. Yes, it’s a book filled with “tips”– but they are really new habits to be practiced and learned. They don’t take away the anxiety, they replace it. with calm, confidence and focus.

Imagine yourself as you would like to be and work in that direction.

Send me your comments and questions and tell me about the habits that aren’t helping you and  that you would like to replace.