Sure enough, she wouldn’t talk to me.

OK, I thought, now what? I saw Amy eyeing a set of colored markers

I have on the floor in my home-office and I asked her if she liked to draw. She nodded. Rather than get into a tug-of-war over her not talking (of course, she would win), I said, “We don’t have to talk. You can draw if you’d like.” She started drawing and got very absorbed in an intricate picture of a group of lizards. When she was done I asked her if she would tell me something about it. All she said was, “It’s a family.”

In the second session she started drawing again, almost immediately. Again, lizards. The identical family as last time. They were in varying sizes and from the expressions on their faces (anger, fear, blankness) was obviously some story behind the picture. I asked Amy if she would tell me the story and she said, “In this family there is a father, a mother, a brother and a sister.”

Of course this corresponded directly to her own family configuration, and the story, as it wound out over several sessions, came clearer: the parent lizards didn’t think the little daughter lizard was as smart as the older brother lizard One day, as Amy was drawing I casually asked her, “So what’s the problem with math?” She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t understand it.” I asked her if she told anyone that and she shook her head, “No.”

Immediately a light shone for me on her whole situation: here was a child who didn’t understand the teacher but was afraid to say so for fear of that she’d be seen as not being smart. I asked her if this were so. Again, she nodded.

With Amy’s knowledge I spoke with her parents and teacher. I explained to them that it had to be safe for Amy to say, “I don’t understand this,” and that they needed to check in with her about it during or after class and when she was doing homework. I also trained Amy to say these simple words right away, “I don’t understand this.” When she saw it was safe to say it, she did.

Our work together ended several weeks before the math qualifying test and the interview. Her mother called one day and said, “Amy passed the math test and couldn’t’ stop talking at the interview.” She was accepted into the school.

What can we take away from Amy’s story? First, it’s all right not to know, and second it’s necessary to speak up, to confide it to someone who will be accepting. There’s an ancient expression, “He who thinks he knows not, knows; he who thinks he knows, knows not.” While this has deep spiritual implication, the bottom line is that not knowing is a natural, expected and an excellent place to start, provided you have a safe environment to express it.

When you are studying or preparing for a test and you don’t know something, recognize that. Rather than beat yourself up about it, say it—to yourself, and to someone who can help you. This is the first step on a path to building your confidence: it’s OK to not know.

Christmas and Hanukah celebrate light:  Jesus, the light of the world, and the Hanukah, the eternal light in the holy temple.

What does this light mean to us?  It is the light of our spirit, the sustaining force that gives us each the illumination and power to clear the darkness within, to light up the path and kindle the energy (fire) to power us through.

When we are anxious, fearful and tense our world is dark.  We crouch down in a corner, afraid. This often happens before or during a test:  we constantly think,  “How will I get through this? I’ll never make it.” In such moments we can’t see our own light.

But remember the expression, “the light at the end of the tunnel”?   Light is always here.  Put your focus on that. Remember also that you have come through difficult, dark, challenging times before.  That strength, courage and determination you had before have not left you. They are shining bright within you.

Close your eyes and see the light inside of you. See it spreading and creating a circle that encompasses you and any test you are facing.  See yourself, in the light, facing the test with strength and resolve.

Now, open your eyes, and see it with open eyes. Take action.

Dr. Joy Magtanong-Madrid

Yesterday my wife and I had the distinct pleasure of attending the Commencement ceremonies for the University of the Pacific, Arthur A. Dugoni School of Dentistry. One of the students who graduated, now Joy Magtanong-Madrid, DDS., was a student several years ago in a post-baccalaureate program in which I was the performance coach.  There were 12 students, like Joy, who had all recently received their bachelor’s degree, and had wanted to go on to dental school, but didn’t get in anywhere they applied. They then applied for the post-bac program, which was a year to get their grades up and improve their scores on the DAT.  What an amazing group of people!  I loved coaching them. Why? Because they were so focused. They had such strong, determined spirits. They each had a goal and were determined to reach it. As I write in the book, focus is a function of the spirit– to be and become your highest self.

Joy was determined. She went through the program. She learned what she had to learn. But when the year was up she still didn’t get into dental school. Did that stop her? No way!  She became a dental assistant, applied again, and the next year started at UoP, arguably the finest dental school in the country. When the President of the University spoke yesterday she commended Joy for managing a most unusual outreach dental program for poverty-stricken children and adults in the Philippines.  Not only that, but Joy received two major awards and one major scholarship!  Her whole family was there to celebrate her achievements. We all went out for an amazing feast at a Burmese restaurant.

Last week a colleague of mine and I were talking about being teachers. I’ve been teaching for 40 years and he’s been teaching for 50. He said, “You know, if only one or a few students really get it, then you’ve done your job.” Joy was, and is, that student for me, as were her colleagues, a few of whom also graduated this week.  Joy took what I had to offer and ran with it.  The world will be a much better place as her spirit goes forth to light the way for others.

There was a time when I was afraid to ask a taxi driver to turn the radio down or off (“It’s their cab!”). But I got over that: why be afraid to ask?  So I did, and I do, and for the most part taxi drivers comply, though a few give me the “I’d rather not” vibe.

This driver turned the radio off. The cab was quiet. I settled back in the seat and let go of the day’s cares.

The morale: do what you can to achieve the quiet you need.

And if the driver had said “No!”?   Well, there’s always another taxi. I look at it as a learning moment. A moment to build confidence. A moment to turn away from the mental chatter that disconnects me from my spirit.

Take the time...

I was on my bicycle yesterday and I came to an intersection with a red light.

Before being hit by the taxi, when I was biking around town I would routinely sail through red lights and stop signs if I didn’t see anyone coming (well, full disclosure: even if I saw someone coming, if I judged I could sail through the intersection before they got there, I would).  Post-taxi, I honor every red light and stop sign.

So here I am, facing a red light, at a completely quiet intersection, no one coming in any direction.  The light says “Stop!”, and stop I do. Suddenly, I feel

something racing inside and an impatient voice  saying, “But I have to get to my meeting! (grumble, grumble)  This red light is holding me up! ” (more grumbling).

Then came the new, unexpected switch. The “little voice” said, “Why not treat this as a pause – an opportunity to rest, to breathe, to take in what’s around you?” In short, to be in the moment– to be present. So I sat on my bike, I took a deep breath, and with that took in the surrounding sounds, sights and smells. I had a moment of rest and inner peace.

Next time something tells you to stop– whether it’s a light, or a sign, or — well, you tell me— treat it as a gift. An opportunity to calm down.   Let me know what you discover.

On January 8 I was crossing the street in NYC and was hit, head-on, by a taxicab who was speeding through at light at 35 mph. Slam! 3,000 pounds of rock-hard steel rammed into the right side of my body. I flipped up onto the hood, smashed the front window and went flying through the air, landing on my back in the middle of Broadway.  Rushed to Bellevue Hospital trauma ICU and then several weeks in a rehab hospital in Vallejo, CA.

So that’s what I’ve been doing: dealing with severe fractures and with this “event” (let’s not call it “an accident”) that was truly life changing. I’m happy to say that I am so fortunate– to be alive, to not have had any spinal or head injuries, to not have had anything that required an operation. Severe fractures are very very painful, yes, and they heal. I’ve had great doctors, nurses and the most loving support from my wife and family and community of friends.

Talk about TESTS!  This was one of the biggest and hardest I’ve ever faced. I am going to blog about this event and its effect on me, and how doing the work of being calm, confident and focused — from the moment I was hit by the taxi — actually saved my life.

Stay tuned!

And thank you for being there.

Facing life's tests

I have good news and, well, not-so-good news for you test takers.

Let’s get the not-so-good news over with. Here’s the deal: we cannot choose most of the tests we face in life.

Now, here’s the good one. Drum roll, please…

We can choose how we’re going to face all those tests.

Are we going to have a miserable experience, crumble under the pressure, run away, or avoid challenges altogether?

Or are we going to find the strength and inner resources to rise to the challenges and fully actualize our potential?

That’s the term psychologists use for becoming the person you are meant to be. Facing tests in the right way will give you this opportunity.

When you face the tests of life, learn from them and grow with them, you become that person.

The tests of life require you to call on the inner resources residing deep inside you.

By doing that, you come to know yourself and to develop your innate capacities. That is what we mean by actualizing your potential, and being tested presents you with the opportunities to do it.

Tests are like a challenging teacher or friend. If you maintain a good relationship with them, many of your best qualities will emerge.

Fortunately, we don’t have to reinvent the wheel here. There are fabulous role models who have preceded us and can show us how to face the vicissitudes of life in a meaningful way.

These are the teachers and masters, saints and sages, the divinely inspired women and men who dedicated their lives to finding meaning and purpose through their struggles.  Jesus on the cross, Buddha under the bodhi tree, Moses in the desert for forty years, Mohammed in the cave. Each faced the tests that life handed them, and they mastered the ability to learn and grow and become fully realized beings.

My wife says, “We are all saints-in-training.” All kidding aside, we may not all be sages and saints, but we all face tests on a regular basis, and some of them are severe and daunting.

Do we have the strength to overcome, the fortitude to persevere, the humor to see things in a lighter way?

With these capacities, it is possible to do more than just get by. We can do something inspiring with our lives.

Great beings create a memorable path through life’s tests. Because ultimately, that’s what life is—a path with tests at every bend in the road. Every test is there to help us grow and to fully become the people we are meant to be.

Let’s take a moment to honor our those who have challenged and mentored and inspired us along the way.

Close your eyes, and breathe out. Now see a circle of light and into that circle see the people who have taught you, believed in you and stood by you in your life. Enter the circle with them, and see yourself surrounded by them. Look into their shining faces and thank them, each and every one.  Open your eyes. Go through your day knowing you are supported.

Send in your stories about the tests you are facing and how you are dealing with them. Your story will inspire others.

I remember a high school student  brought in by her parents. I asked her, “Do you know why you are here?” She immediately replied, “Yes. My parents want me to get higher SAT score. And I don’t want to work for it.”

Then the three of them leaned in. All eyes were on me…

I took down a glass bottle of gold glitter from my shelf. I shook it up and down and said to her, with a small smile, “This is magic dust. Take it home. Every night before you go to sleep, sprinkle it over your head. Your scores may go up.”

She laughed heartily. Then we began working together. I gave her some tools to practice with.

At our next coaching session she came in and shrugged, “I didn’t do any of the things you said.”

I was patient and understanding. Again, at the end of the second session I gave her some tools to practice with.

She came back and again, the same thing, “I didn’t do any of the things you said.”

I looked her in the eye and said, “You are a bright kid. But I can’t work with you anymore. This is a waste of your time, my time, your parents’ money.”

She was shocked. We started a dialogue. I found out there was a school that she wanted to go to. But to get into that school she needed to get her SAT to a certain level.

Bingo! In that moment she got it. She wasn’t doing it for her parents. She was doing it to get to where she wanted to go.

From then on she really worked with me on the performance model. And she got into the college of her choice.

This is what President Obama said about his daughter Malia doing better on a test, “what was happening was she had started wanting it more than us. Now, once you get to that point, our kids are on our [sic] way. But the only way they get to that point is if we’re helping them get to that point.”

If your child is facing and important test, talk about the test together. Make sure that the goal of a higher score is your child’s goal, not just yours. Help them see that it’s about their future and what they want for themselves. There’s more for you in Chapter 9: Help for Parents.

Send in your experiences and questions.

I asked Sophie to explain what she meant by “freak out,” she described the intense static going on in her mind while she attempts to answer the questions. “I keep thinking, I don’t understand the question … I didn’t study the right things … I don’t remember anything … I’m not going to get this answer right … My scholarship won’t be renewed.” Her voice trailed off. She looked discouraged and dejected as she whispered, “It’s a mess.”

Rings a bell?

Sophie was describing one of the worst experiences a test taker can have: losing self-confidence during the test. When you are trying to figure out an answer and your mind starts broadcasting negative thoughts, I don’t know this… I can’t work it out… I’m so stupid, you’re all tied up in negativity—in “nots”: I’m not remembering anything. I’m not going to pass. I’m not smart enough. Of course, all this negativity makes you feel horrible about yourself. The self-doubt kicks up dust-loads of fear—that you’re going to fail, of what will happen if you don’t perform well, and fear of what others will think of you if you do poorly. The anxiety and self-doubt quickly turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Suddenly, you can’t remember what you studied, you aren’t sure about your own reasoning and judgment, and the answers to the questions elude you completely. With all this negativity, your stress level soars and your performance suffers, no matter how well prepared you are.

If you want your performance to show off all the hard work you put in, you need confidence—positive feelings about yourself. You have to believe that you have what it takes to succeed, that you are smart enough, that you do understand the material, and that you can figure out an answer. It’s the same self-fulfilling prophecy I mentioned just above, but this time in a positive direction. When you believe in yourself you are much more likely to perform well.
Self-confidence seems mysterious to many peop

This means you have to train yourself to listen to your positive, affirming inner voice. It’s there, everyone has it. We have just become trained– habituated–to hearing and believing the negative voice. Your positive voice is sending you encouraging messages all the time — “You’ve got what it takes. You can do it. You’ve handled difficult experiences before.”

Train yourself, when you are challenged on a test, to turn to the positive voice. In my book, Chapter 5, How to Be Confident, goes into this process in detail. I encourage you to check it out.

I’m speaking this afternoon in New Orleans at an exciting convention: the Fall Forum for the Coalition for Essential Schools. It’s a terrific group of progressive educators from all over the country. The topic of my talk: How to Make Testing Empowering. I’ll talk all about tuning into the positive inner voice.

Send me your questions and experiences.