Sure enough, she wouldn’t talk to me.

OK, I thought, now what? I saw Amy eyeing a set of colored markers

I have on the floor in my home-office and I asked her if she liked to draw. She nodded. Rather than get into a tug-of-war over her not talking (of course, she would win), I said, “We don’t have to talk. You can draw if you’d like.” She started drawing and got very absorbed in an intricate picture of a group of lizards. When she was done I asked her if she would tell me something about it. All she said was, “It’s a family.”

In the second session she started drawing again, almost immediately. Again, lizards. The identical family as last time. They were in varying sizes and from the expressions on their faces (anger, fear, blankness) was obviously some story behind the picture. I asked Amy if she would tell me the story and she said, “In this family there is a father, a mother, a brother and a sister.”

Of course this corresponded directly to her own family configuration, and the story, as it wound out over several sessions, came clearer: the parent lizards didn’t think the little daughter lizard was as smart as the older brother lizard One day, as Amy was drawing I casually asked her, “So what’s the problem with math?” She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t understand it.” I asked her if she told anyone that and she shook her head, “No.”

Immediately a light shone for me on her whole situation: here was a child who didn’t understand the teacher but was afraid to say so for fear of that she’d be seen as not being smart. I asked her if this were so. Again, she nodded.

With Amy’s knowledge I spoke with her parents and teacher. I explained to them that it had to be safe for Amy to say, “I don’t understand this,” and that they needed to check in with her about it during or after class and when she was doing homework. I also trained Amy to say these simple words right away, “I don’t understand this.” When she saw it was safe to say it, she did.

Our work together ended several weeks before the math qualifying test and the interview. Her mother called one day and said, “Amy passed the math test and couldn’t’ stop talking at the interview.” She was accepted into the school.

What can we take away from Amy’s story? First, it’s all right not to know, and second it’s necessary to speak up, to confide it to someone who will be accepting. There’s an ancient expression, “He who thinks he knows not, knows; he who thinks he knows, knows not.” While this has deep spiritual implication, the bottom line is that not knowing is a natural, expected and an excellent place to start, provided you have a safe environment to express it.

When you are studying or preparing for a test and you don’t know something, recognize that. Rather than beat yourself up about it, say it—to yourself, and to someone who can help you. This is the first step on a path to building your confidence: it’s OK to not know.

Afraid? Again?

I’ve recently started coaching three very different people who have exactly the same issue with tests: they’re all afraid of failing.  To be accurate, they’re all afraid of failing again.

Each of them (a high school, college and graduate student) had a bad experience in the past with a test—one didn’t finish in time, one didn’t get the score she wanted and one actually failed.  I’m using the word “bad experience” instead of “failure.”  While every one of us has had a bad experience with a test none of us is a failure because of it.

Following what I wrote in my last post: when you have a bad experience you have two choices with how you are going to hold that experience.  Choice #1: You say to yourself, “Oh, no,  it happened before and it’s going to happen again. For sure. No way I’m going to succeed.”; Choice #2: You say to yourself, “Yes, I did have a bad experience, but  I learned from that experience and what I learned is actually going to help me do better this time.”

So why do so many people – certainly the ones I see in my practice—so readily adopt choice #1?  I think it’s a combination of  things. The “bad” past experience was painful. No one wants to score low, not be able to finish or actually not passing the test, but sometimes these things do happen and the bottom line—and please read this carefully – is that we are meant to learn from all our experiences.  ‘Learn’ means: what did that experience teach me that will help me the next time around?  As soon as we start to uncover the answer to that question, the more quickly and determinedly we can move ahead.

So here’s my challenge to you: think of of a time when you did not do well on a test. What did you learn from that that you can apply to the next time you take that test, or any other test?

I’m going to provide you with some common responses to that question, but first I’d like you to do the work and answer that question for yourself.

In part 3 of this series of posts I’ll not only answer the question, but show you how we can get through previously traumatic experiences in a new, better, and much more fulfilling way.

There was a time when I was afraid to ask a taxi driver to turn the radio down or off (“It’s their cab!”). But I got over that: why be afraid to ask?  So I did, and I do, and for the most part taxi drivers comply, though a few give me the “I’d rather not” vibe.

This driver turned the radio off. The cab was quiet. I settled back in the seat and let go of the day’s cares.

The morale: do what you can to achieve the quiet you need.

And if the driver had said “No!”?   Well, there’s always another taxi. I look at it as a learning moment. A moment to build confidence. A moment to turn away from the mental chatter that disconnects me from my spirit.

Prepare yourself!

A blog post about preparing for the the US Medical Licensing Exam (USMLE)  came through today. I’d like to analyze it a bit and add my two cents (quoting the post in italics)

The most straightforward strategy to do well at taking an exam is undoubtedly by just taking practice exams. It really is as approximate as you will get to taking the real examination. Whenever you only possess time to finish just one thing to get ready for…your exam date, go through a practice test.

Yes… but you need to prepare yourself in another way that’s not about the test items or the test structure or answering strategies. You need to prepare yourself to be calm, confident and focused when you are taking the test.

Exam study guides also are very helpful at showing examination taking methods and eradicating some of the unknown encompassing taking standardized exams. It is really critical to test a range of study materials as some test takers will learn much better from a particular study guide than a different one.

Yes…  but in my experience all the study guides won’t help you if you don’t monitor your breathing, watch how you start feeding yourself negative sentences about yourself, or keep getting distracted by your anxiety and “worst case scenarios” as you are answering questions.  In other words, you need to be calm, confident and focused.

An enormous pile of examination study materials will not be any real help if you don’t actually make use of them. Be certain that you have an adequate amount of time scheduled to prepare for your examination.
And here I would add that having “an adequate amount of time scheduled to prepare for your examination” must, as in must include preparing yourself — not only the material. You can learn how you keep yourself calm before, during (and after!) the test; you can train yourself to keep your confidence up, and you can immediately know how to get back on track if you start becoming distracted (when you are studying and when you are taking the test).

So the best strategy for test anxiety is:  take practice tests while you are building a foundation in your body, mind and spirit to be… (altogether now…) calm, confident and focused.  This isn’t an idea.  It’s a practice.

Start practicing now. There are separate chapters in The Workbook for Test Success on staying calm, remaining confident and being focused.  Let me know your issues with these so I can respond to them.

As a famous sage once said, “If not now, when?”

“I was in my office and an 11th grader came in all distraught worked up.  This is one tough kid– she’s had many troubles in her life, and has gotten into a lot of trouble too. She’s usually closed down and angry.  On the day she came into my office she was very upset — she’d had had a bad fight with a close friend who rejected her. She was angry and ready to strike out. I didn’t know what to do with her. She couldn’t sit still.  When I glimpsed The Workbook for Test Success …

on my desk. I said to the girl, “We’re just going to open this book to any page and start reading.” I had no idea where this was headed or how she’d respond, but it was so out-of-the-box that she went along with it.”

“I happened to open to the chapter on Confidence and I started reading. The girl was listening.  I read all about the negative things we tell ourselves, and how that makes us feel badly, and how we can get out of that terrible state by using three tools. She was listening to every word. When we got to the exercises she wanted to do them. I was amazed. We ended up talking for almost an hour.  The Workbook provided an extremely helpful way of getting the girl to look at herself, to think about her situation, and – most importantly—provide her with a positive, productive way of dealing with her self-esteem and the tests she faces in her life.”

The story makes a point:  the model of the three-legged stool is dynamic. That means that all the legs are important and no matter which one you work on—whether it’s your mind (as it was in this case), your body or your spirit, it’s going to have a positive and strengthening effect on the whole.

Try the “open-the-book-to-any-page” method and let me know what you find out about yourself.

The President and perseverance

President Obama delivered the commencement address at Kalamazoo Central High School on June 7.  His speech roused the graduates to consider the future they are holding in their hands.  Here’s what the President said:

Now, graduates, all these folks around you, I have to say, though, with the cameras and the beaming smiles — they’ve worked hard to give you everything you need to pursue your dreams and fulfill your God-given talent.  Unfortunately, you can’t take them with you when you leave here.  (Laughter.)  No one is going to go

follow you around making sure that you’re getting to class on time, making sure you’re doing your work.  Nobody is going to be doing that for you.  Going forward, that’s all on you — responsibility for your success is squarely on your shoulders.

What does “responsibility for your success” really mean?  To me it means having a goal and taking actions that get you to your goal. It means being focused. Most often, up through high school, we are carrying out what someone tells us to do. But as we leave high school the terrain shifts. We have to take charge of our own goals: to be able to define them and to work towards them. This can be challenging or downright difficult if we are used to doing something only “because we have to.”   The shift is to do something because you want to. It means having a dream– your dream– and working towards it.  It means being able to recognize when you are becoming distracted and how to get yourself back on track. Successful people are focused: they are clear on their goals, and they stay connected through consistent action until they reach their goal.  Success means “happy outcome,” and that is what happens when you reach your goal through your own hard work.

The President went on to say, “…meaningful achievement, lasting success — it doesn’t happen in an instant.  It’s not about luck, it’s not about a sudden stroke of genius.  It’s not usually about talent.  It’s usually about daily effort, the large choices and the small choices that you make that add up over time.  It’s about the skills you build, and the knowledge you accumulate, and the energy you invest in every task, no matter how trivial or menial it may seem at the time.”

Look at your goals and ask yourself:  “Are these my goals or someone else’s?”  If they’re not yours you will lose motivation sooner or later. Once you are clear that you own your goals then ask yourself, “Am I doing the things I need to so I can reach my goal, or am I doing things that take me away [distraction]?  Be honest with yourself.   We have the example of a President who reached his goal through determined, focused action.  He did it.  You can.

What do you do when this negativity surfaces? You may try to ignore it or hide it. You don’t want others to know you feel “less than”– after all, everyone else seems to be doing so well. So you’re humiliated, thinking there’s something wrong with you. Stop. Let’s start right here. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re having a confidence crisis. No more. No less.

“Confidence” is made up of two root words: “con” which means “with” and “fidence” which comes from the Latin that means faith, loyalty, fidelity, belief in, trust. When we lack confidence we don’t believe in ourselves.

The first tool for dealing with this is to confide the negativity. Tell a friend, a parent, a teacher, a counselor. If no one is readily available, confide in your higher self. Why is this necessary? Because if you keep all the negativity stuffed inside of you it just builds up and makes you feel worse.  You need to release it, let it out. Only then can you make space for something else — something positive –  to come in. In other words, don’t expect the negativity will just go away on its own. Let it out, let it go. Next, your confidant will reflect back to you something accurate and positive about you –something they know to be true (“You have handled difficult situations before,” “You can figure this out,” etc.).  The reflection from the positive mirror is essential because up till now you are glued to the negative side. You need to get out of the grips of the negativity and receive a different message.  Once you’ve done that you are ready for the third tool –   envision taking small manageable steps, successfully, to correct the original negativity. Close your eyes for a moment and imagine each small step that you can take and see yourself taking them.

Say you’re facing a chemistry final next week. You think “No way, I can’t handle this.” That negativity can quickly mushroom and engulf you. As soon as you recognize you are going in that direction, use the tools (1) Confide: tell someone you trust, someone who believes in you, someone who has confidence in you, that you are having this negativity.  (2) Reflect: they will give you an accurate, positive message back (“You have taken on hard subjects and done well; you can do that with chemistry.”  Listen to this message, take it in. (Remember to breathe!).  (3) Envision the small manageable steps you need to take to get back on track. See yourself breathing, grounding, organizing your materials, reading through the first section of the first chapter. Whatever the small steps are for you. Once you recognize that any task can be broken down into small manageable steps, and you can see yourself taking each one successfully, you are moving in a positive direction. Confidence is regained in a steady and methodical manner.

Is there a challenge facing you right now that you don’t think you are up to? Let me know what it is. The tools are available for everyone, all the time.

A month later I received the following email from the student:

“I just wanted to tell you, thank you so much for all your insight in your book, and for talking with me that day. I took my LSAT last Saturday, and the day before the test I decided to read your book. It was probably one of the most helpful things I did for myself all month! Even more so than studying countless hours of my test preparation books. I used your techniques before and during my test, and despite not knowing my score, I feel like the positive self talk and breathing helped me focus and be confident to answer all of the questions. So I just wanted to thank you so much for your work!”

I greatly appreciate hearing from someone who used the book and found it so helpful.   Notice that she opened it up the night before the test!  What does this tell me?   I’ve coached many candidates for the LSAT (as well as MCAT, DAT, GRE’s etc). What they say is the same as the student I’m quoting:  they study countless hours. They have put in self-effort, they have done so much to grasp the material. But when they get derailed with anxiety on such an important test (and many people do), their performance  suffers and they end up with sub-par scores. What’s going on here? Burning more midnight oil?

No.

You need to prepare your self—meaning you, the test-taker –  to be calm, confident and focused. In this case, it helped this student right before the test. She didn’t say this much in the email but my guess is she slept better and a rested body and mind help a lot during test. On the test itself she definitely recognized the tools helped her. Her experience makes the point: pay attention to the person taking the test—to yourself—it will  make a huge difference.

Karen Bryant, who mentors students even after graduation, said she credits the success of the program to a relationship built on trust and respect with her students. Many of the students have remained friends of Bryant over the years.

In the ‘confidence’ leg of my 3-legged stool performance model I explore into the relationship between ‘trust’ and ‘confidence.’

The word confidence is made up of two Latin roots: con, meaning ‘with,’ and fidelis, which means ‘faith’ or ‘trust.’ A confident person has faith in herself and trusts that she can accomplish the task.

Fidelis has an additional meaning, and that is loyalty. We can interpret this to mean that a confident person is also loyal to herself. When she’s taking a test and the questions are hard she doesn’t jump ship. She believes she can work it out and stays with the process right to the end.

If you struggle with self-confidence, you probably have the opposite feeling when you take tests. When the going gets rough you feel like you want to bolt. I can’t do this, I’m out of here.

Wanting to bolt creates a problem because it means your attention isn’t fully present. It’s on its way out the door, you might say. Your mind, like your body and your spirit, is a key player on your “Team of Three.” You mind has to play its part so that you can win. You need your mind to stand by you, to support and encourage you through thick and thin, not turn against you and undermine the process. When your mind is yelling, “Let me out of here!” it is a way of abandoning you which we can certainly call a form of disloyalty. You have to train it to be loyal, to have faith in your ability and to trust that you can do the job well.

In other words, you have to know you can count on your mind.

Here’s a helpful tip to train your mind.

Your self-evaluating, talk-radio mind has two sides, positive and negative. On the positive side you are broadcasting approving and encouraging messages about yourself: I can do it. I’ve got what it takes. I am smart enough. The negative side sends out disapproving, discouraging, self-defeating noises: I can’t possibly succeed. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not going to make it.

Now, how do you tune into this positive side?  Start with this: what are your initials? Mine are BBB. I live in California. If I put K in front of BBB, I get KBBB. If I lived east of the Mississippi I would put a W in front of my initials and get WBBB.  Now you do it.  What do you get?  What does that sound like?  You got it: a radio station.  Your radio station.

Your mind has a 24/7 personal talk radio that is sending positive messages to you. You can count on it. Just don’t flip the dial. And if you hear noises, chatter and static, fine tune the receiving frequency. The voice of your spirit is always there to guide you.  Always.

Let me know how your personal talk-radio is working.

The highly enthusiastic review has a line in it I’d like to share. By using the book the reader said “I was able to open up to my study group about what I was experiencing. Consequently we have turned into a real support group.”

I’m highlighting this because very often when we feel anxious, or lack confidence we’re reluctant to share these feelings with others We think “something’s wrong with me,” and we think everyone else is OK.

By opening up to her study group this person found real support. She unlocked something that others were feeling too: test stress.

In Chapter 5: How to be Confident, I write about confiding, as the first tool to regain your confidence. You have to let out your negative feelings—about the test, about yourself, about your performance. Letting them “out” means specifically telling someone who knows you, and whom you trust will not criticize you.

In the book I teach how to do this on the inner level (when you’re taking a test you can’t call your best friend 3am every night!).  If you don’t release those negative feelings they get stuck and increase your stress. By letting them out to someone you trust (a friend, your highest self, your spiritual guide) you are taking the first step to reconnecting, building your confidence, and improving your performance.

Try it. It works.

I look forward to your experiences and questions.