Veering towards the negative: what’s that all about?
April 6th, 2010
Why are we stuck listening to the negative voice?
A student I am working with has a problem. Here’s what she says about it: “Every time on a test when I’m not sure if my answer is right, I immediately have negative thoughts, ‘You’re not going to get this right,’ ‘You don’t know the material,” ‘You can’t figure this out.’ Why do I always think these negative thoughts?”
This is a great question and something I’ve wondered about for a long time. It’s a very common situation: in a difficult or doubtful situation most of us usually veer towards the negative. What’s going on? In a series of posts I’m going to address this issue. Today we’ll look at one cause and one method of dealing with it.
Notice first, the student says, in talking to herself, “You’re not going to get this right.” She doesn’t say, “I’m not….” By saying “you” she’s looking at herself from the outside. It suggests that she’s caught up in how others think of her. This is a habit that could have one of several roots: maybe she’s received negative feedback from teachers, parents, siblings, friends in the past; or she’s afraid of being seen negatively by others. Whatever the reason, she’s suddenly outside of herself looking in. She’s out of the present.
Another way of putting it is that she’s disconnected from what she’s supposed to be doing: answering the question and moving on. The negative thinking is not helping her. And that’s the significant point, and what you should remember when you’re thinking negatively: it’s not helping you now.
When you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts, get yourself back in the present.
The best way to do this is to use two tools: breathing and grounding. Take a good deep breath to your belly and then feel your feet on the floor and your legs, back and butt supported by the chair. Why is this important? Because when you’re thinking negative thoughts you are minus-ing yourself. Taking yourself out of the present, putting yourself into what other people might think of you, and imagining the worst.
None of that is helpful. What’s helpful is to read the question, think about it, answer it and get on with the next one. And to be calm in the process.
Here’s a question for you: what is your negative voice saying? where do you think that’s coming from? It’s helpful to do this. Here’s why. Once you frame it as something that has nothing to do with who and what you really are it goes a long way to weaken its influence on you. Besides, your responses will help me and the people who read this blog. I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks! Go for it.
